Everything is connected to everything.

I bought this shirt online and got it today. I wasn't sure it would fit, and it feels kind of tight but my roommate said it looks good. It's freaking amazing. I can't wait to wear it at school.

I can't believe how amazing I feel right now. I really, really can't believe it. It hasn't been just today, but ever since school started. Everything I'm doing is so important for everything I will be doing. I just haven't felt that in so long.

I've started taking yoga and Latin dance classes, and this is why--the vast majority of things I have studied, elementary through high school, has been a piece of delicious knowledge cake for me. I know structured schoolish learning isn't for everyone--even if someone wants to learn all about something, it might still be difficult for him/her. People learn in different ways. I want to experience not being good at something the first time I try it, which includes (for me) all things physical. I'm analytic and aesthetically creative, and have never been a kinesthetic learner. Hence, the yoga and dance.

(By the way, I don't think I've ever felt so good after such intense physical exertion, ever. I feel unstoppable.)

But wait, there's more. Yoga is largely focused on breathing, which is a neat coincidence--I just started the class because my friend was doing it. Right now, in my voice class (as a novice singer) we're learning the basics of proper breathing. One of the main giant points of my conducting class is having awareness of my own body as I conduct. That idea scares the crap out of me...that people will be looking at me, that I will have to watch a video of myself and analyze what my body is doing and if that is conveying what I feel should happen in the music.

Hopefully after becoming more aware of my body in other places and other areas, I won't be so scared of what I'm physically doing in front of people. Suddenly the notion that I can be a musician who can show with her body how she wants her group to perform doesn't feel as alien as I thought it would.

And then there's vocal and instrumental scoring. I can't believe only music ed and composition majors are allowed to take that class. What we're learning is what I think every musician should know regardless of how they might or might not use it. (It's about part writing, arranging music, and being faithful to the original music even if your ensemble lacks crucial roles.) It's been two weeks and I'm already a different person.

Triangle Man hates Particle Man. They have a fight--Triangle wins.

I keep trying to think of things to say in this. I've been listening to They Might Be Giants a lot. I'm so glad I have a CD player because my computer doesn't have sound. I wish it did, because I want to record some more songs. I should really just get a new computer, but I'm afraid because I've had this one since I was 16. And I hate laptops. They seem so insubstantial. I need something heavy-duty for the many random projects I use it for.

Last night I dressed up like a man and went to a gay bar. I didn't know a place like that existed--a public place to get drunk and dance to music that I could sometimes recognize (though I wasn't sure if I was supposed to dance like a man, and if so, how is a man supposed to dance?). I drew a sweet 'stache on my face. I would be a man just to have a mustache. Maybe people would respect me more with a mustache.

And now, pictures of my sleeping kitten. His face looks like a fetus face, and it's adorable.


I realized, after I had drawn the mustache, that I was wearing sparkly nail polish. "It's okay," my roommate said, "You can be a French man! They have good hygiene." She had drawn eyebrows and facial hair on herself that made her look creepily like our friend who used to be in love with me.

On Second Thought

It might be nice to have a child, family and/or house someday. I would have someone to sing to.

"Oh the wayward wind is a restless wind...a restless wind that yearns to wander..."--Patsy Cline, my vocalist hero. Women can have low voices and sing beautifully. Stupid world dominated by sopranos.

PS--Maybe Patsy Cline's songs give me unrealistic expectations. "A Poor Man's Roses"? What the hell, Patsy? You whore. Why are there two guys around interested in you, when I can't even find one?

Nightmares

A little while ago I came up with a theory on dreams in general--that they are actually a manifestation of what could have been. I, in my dreams, am visiting an alternate universe through the eyes of an alternate me. Pretty cool, huh? Of course there's no way you could ever prove this, but I think dreams are real, somewhere, in a place where circumstances were different.

I've never had the same dream twice, but since middle school I've gone through phases where dreams would feature similar ideas or objects. I had a pool phase, where I constantly dreamed about swimming in a pool, or seeing a pool. Last year, when I was taking care of Piña, I had a huge streak of axolotl dreams. (There were about 7-10 of these, and most were really disturbing...my sister turning into an axolotl, seeing someone barbecue axolotls, etc...)

I usually don't have outright nightmares. Sometimes conditions in my dreams are brutal or stressful, and I wake up relieved that that wasn't the reality I live in. What hurts is when dreams are excessively happy, and I wake up disappointed. (Me coming home to the house I grew up in and seeing both of my parents and both of my sisters all together, everyone laughing together...I think in that dream, I'd never gone to college.) I get really immersed in the dreams I have, and am usually surprised when I wake up.

Recently, I've been having dreams where I'm pregnant. I am very confused in these dreams, asking "How did this happen? How is this possible?" Because there is really no way I could be pregnant, at least not in this world. Really, not at all.

It is the scariest dream ever. I do not want a child. I love kids; I've worked with them all summer for the past three summers. I could not fathom having one of my own. I can't even fathom the idea of having my own family. I think I'm a little bitter that my family failed when they were so close to making things right. I don't want to invest so much time and money, not to mention emotional factors, into something that will just fail.

Anyway. If my theory is true, somewhere in one or several alternate realities I've recently had a sexual partner. I never saw him around in those dreams, though. Maybe he broke up with me, or went on a long trip abroad. Maybe he was just a fling. I wonder if he's where I am in this reality. Maybe I don't even know him here.

If my theory is false, there are a million other reasons I could be dreaming of being pregnant. Maybe my brain is begging me to reconsider the idea. Maybe I'm watching too many shows on TV where people are pregnant. I also know quite a few people in real life who are, or just had babies. My mom thought my sister was pregnant because she gained a lot of weight. That would be weird. It would be almost too much to bear. She deserves better than what she has.

Hopefully, either I find out who my mystery lover is, or these silly dreams stop. I kind of want to see who the lover is.

--Stephy