Sunday, February 28, 2010

Every time I think about who I am or how I am, I start crying. I hate it so much. Nothing in my life is really that bad. I don't deserve to feel this way. The burning loneliness is the only reason for it. I miss having roommates. I wasn't ready for them to just up and leave. I kind of needed them to distract me from me. Now I don't have any distractions, just constant reminders of how I'm not "as good as I should be." I hate that I'm punished for having ability.

I want to go home for spring break and not come back. Except now my house is gone, too. I feel like that's my fault. I feel like every problem I'm having in my life is my fault. Most of them are, I know. What hurts the most is what other people have invested in me. I'm so sorry I failed.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Sick Today

Dear nose,

Please stop producing a consistent river of snot. And stop hurting because I only brought three tissues to school, used them within the first hour of being there, and had to use toilet paper the rest of the day. And for Pete's sake, just sneeze when you have to! None of this feeling like it might happen, and then having one watery eye instead thing. That's even more awkward. And frustrating. Because I want that snot out.


Saturday, February 13, 2010

I've been pushed pretty close before, but I don't think I've ever felt so buried. So much is on my mind. I wish only a few things were. I felt trapped for a little bit, but I'm working through it. I can see how some things, maybe most things or even everything, won't fail.

Nobody else is in this situation. It's my own damn fault and it's lonely. I can't think of a night I didn't lie in bed for at least an hour, thinking about how to fill the few gaps in my schedule wisely. In the end, I can't be confined to X-amount of hours. I need a day or two, but I don't have very many of those, either.

Most minutes of most days are spent doing useful things, but in the end there are more things to do the next day. I refuse to study at home. I'm doing extra well in my classes, probably because I'm doing extra awful at being a functioning human being. I crave a real, consistent practice regime. It's not there and my playing is suffering for it and it hurts. I hate how ugly I look when I cry. I can't wait for summer. I'd love to someday have some daylight when my day is over. I'm excited for when I can write a cohesive set of thoughts at my leisure.