I'm finally starting to feel okay about myself again. Took me long enough. I was worried about my recital because it was going to be in two weeks and my face hasn't healed all the way yet from getting wisdom teeth out, and there I sat in my clarinet lesson thinking about it and I started crying in front of my teacher. There's no way I can be ready in two weeks, I realized. I didn't think my teeth would take so long to feel normal again. I'd never feel good about my recital unless I knew for sure that it would truly represent how good I can be as a musician.
He went to the office and changed the date to a month later (the last day of finals week), and everything felt better. Everything. Then I realized that there really is so much going right in my life, and I'll be okay. My classwork is going awesome. I just got accepted into the teaching credential program. I'm making really good money for also being a full-time student. My body is super sexy, not in a model way, but just in a healthy and decent-looking in a bikini way. My cat is incredibly sweet, my friends are super nice--and I've met someone who laughs at every joke I make, who makes me feel so good when I'm around him that I just want to be around him all day, every day. I've known him for a few months, and just now is it starting to dawn on me that he might possibly feel just as good when we spend time together as I do.
And guess what. Because my recital is the day before commencement, both of my parents can see me both play my recital and graduate. I am so relieved. I would have probably cried if my mom didn't see me play, or if my dad didn't come to my graduation. I miss them so much. I miss my family being together so much, but having both of my parents with me on my two biggest days will be as good as it can get, and I'm okay with that.
I can't even take it. It's such an intense relief to finally feel like I'm in control again.