Monday, December 6, 2010

Not gonna lie, I really hate right now. I'm so fucking lonely. I just want all of my hard work to be worth it. I want another person who can appreciate my papers and my lessons. I want financial aid to believe me when I say I swear I don't see any of the money my mom reported on her taxes. I want to have a paycheck and actually feel like I have money until I spend it. I want another music credential candidate to commiserate with and compare unit plans and work together and be my partner in the potluck final project.

I really wish I didn't feel like I were working toward something imaginary. I want to matter in the world. I want to go to parties on the weekends and make friends and maintain my current friendships. I don't even know how to really be someone's friend. I wish I knew how to be in a relationship. I wish someone out there could know what they're missing by missing out on me.

I hate all of the music majors who talk about grad school. Why don't you spend the money you don't have on something that matters? Why don't you study ways you can help to fix the world instead of trying to preserve the incredibly delicate and closed-off elitist bubble that is the academic music world?

I hate that I can't go home. I hate that there is no real home. And I hate how ugly I look for almost an hour after I cry.


RamblingHutch said...

You said a mouthful lady. I know how you feel (only insert film for music). If nothing else, my mom loves you more than she loves me, so at least that's something! :D

Stephy said...

I seem to be the love object of everyone's moms. Why don't the nice young men whom the moms belong to feel similarly?
I do feel slightly better today. My teacher (for whom my 40-some page unit plan was due tomorrow, the unit plan being the project I had no time to work on over the weekend because of my 3 other final projects due yesterday, plus I worked more than 14 hours of that weekend) just sent an e-mail saying that the entire thing isn't due tomorrow. I still want to get as much done tonight as I can, but now I know I won't fail the class. So at least that part of my worry has lessened.

Still, you'd think I could just turn the final papers in and get it over with and not have to waste 6 hours in class afterward. Those are 6 valuable unit plan-writing hours! I thought turning in about 15 pages yesterday would be much more satisfying than it was, and that was a disappointment.