Nightmares

A little while ago I came up with a theory on dreams in general--that they are actually a manifestation of what could have been. I, in my dreams, am visiting an alternate universe through the eyes of an alternate me. Pretty cool, huh? Of course there's no way you could ever prove this, but I think dreams are real, somewhere, in a place where circumstances were different.

I've never had the same dream twice, but since middle school I've gone through phases where dreams would feature similar ideas or objects. I had a pool phase, where I constantly dreamed about swimming in a pool, or seeing a pool. Last year, when I was taking care of Piña, I had a huge streak of axolotl dreams. (There were about 7-10 of these, and most were really disturbing...my sister turning into an axolotl, seeing someone barbecue axolotls, etc...)

I usually don't have outright nightmares. Sometimes conditions in my dreams are brutal or stressful, and I wake up relieved that that wasn't the reality I live in. What hurts is when dreams are excessively happy, and I wake up disappointed. (Me coming home to the house I grew up in and seeing both of my parents and both of my sisters all together, everyone laughing together...I think in that dream, I'd never gone to college.) I get really immersed in the dreams I have, and am usually surprised when I wake up.

Recently, I've been having dreams where I'm pregnant. I am very confused in these dreams, asking "How did this happen? How is this possible?" Because there is really no way I could be pregnant, at least not in this world. Really, not at all.

It is the scariest dream ever. I do not want a child. I love kids; I've worked with them all summer for the past three summers. I could not fathom having one of my own. I can't even fathom the idea of having my own family. I think I'm a little bitter that my family failed when they were so close to making things right. I don't want to invest so much time and money, not to mention emotional factors, into something that will just fail.

Anyway. If my theory is true, somewhere in one or several alternate realities I've recently had a sexual partner. I never saw him around in those dreams, though. Maybe he broke up with me, or went on a long trip abroad. Maybe he was just a fling. I wonder if he's where I am in this reality. Maybe I don't even know him here.

If my theory is false, there are a million other reasons I could be dreaming of being pregnant. Maybe my brain is begging me to reconsider the idea. Maybe I'm watching too many shows on TV where people are pregnant. I also know quite a few people in real life who are, or just had babies. My mom thought my sister was pregnant because she gained a lot of weight. That would be weird. It would be almost too much to bear. She deserves better than what she has.

Hopefully, either I find out who my mystery lover is, or these silly dreams stop. I kind of want to see who the lover is.

--Stephy