Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Limit Your Consumption

Picture this: You're bored to tears in the middle of a hot summer day, inside the house maybe watching the tube or finishing a puzzle, when suddenly something reminiscent of a cherry-red wrecking ball smashes through the wall with brute force. Though you are terrified that your house has been destroyed, you find sweet, high fructose relief when you hear a familiar "Oh yeahhhh!"

You have just encountered the Kool-Aid Man.

According to Wikipedia, the Kool-Aid Man was born in 1975, 48 years after his father Kool-Aid was invented. His mother, Glass Pitcher, has been around since perhaps the Late Bronze Age. You can see how they would be attracted to one another. Both come first in powder form, Glass as sand, Kool-Aid as Kool-Aid powder. Both are seemingly useless at this stage (except for sugar-crazy kids and sand castle enthusiasts) but after a variety of chemical changes become something completely new. It was love at first sight, and the young (?) couple married and wasted no time in having their one child, Kool-Aid Man.

However, that is where the list of similarities comes to an end. While both Kool-Aid and Glass can be considered liquids, the father often questioned the Pitcher's true form. They also had a huge age difference. They spent many nights fighting, and as a child it quite upset the young Kool-Aid Man. He did poorly in school because he was both starved for attention, and also had ADHD. Small doses of crystal fructose were the only thing that calmed him down.

Eventually, around the 90's, he started losing control of his fructose habits. During one of his blackouts he smashed through the wall of a K-mart in Missouri screaming, "OH YEAHHH!" A local talent agent hooked him up with his own spot on TV. His "Oh yeahhh!" campaign was a recipe for success: a giant glass pitcher busting through walls with a crowd of happy kids eager to consume his contents. He was a celebrity among kids and pre-teens alike.

However, things started to go haywire when the paparazzi caught him under the influence (of zombies) and posted the video of him eating people all over the Internet. The general public started to fear him, including Dane Cook:

"Don't touch me, you drink!"? Ouch, Dane. An enormous pitcher of liquid's ego is likely to deflate easily.

That wasn't the only way people started harrassing the Kool-Aid man. Webcomics and T-shirts alike depicted him losing his ever-futile battle between him and his addiction, busting through walls, spilling over, screaming "Oh yeahhh."

People don't realize that this is not part of the solution. The Kool-Aid man sought counseling in 2004. He needed to see that by consuming chemicals and destroying things, you only create more problems for yourself while losing the respect and support of your friends and family. And he did. He's cleaned up his act, lost a lot of weight, and got a new outfit. He has also learned that his appetite for attention can be better satisfied in an artistic environment and since has taken several acting courses. You can see for yourself how the Kool-Aid Man is doing here.


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