I'm sooo freaking tired. My new schedule works in theory but I have to remember to bring food and eat lunch before. I have a solid five-hour block of class (two of which I'm standing most of the time, playing trumpet in jazz orchestra) on Mondays that starts at 11. I stumbled home around 4:30...maybe it's the entire summer's worth of drinking and late nights finally catching up with me. I had this weird funny headache all day that made it hard to move my eyes around much...

Maybe I'm coming down with something? I would laugh. If I got sick on Wednesday it would be the third, first Wednesday of school in a row that I would have missed from suddenly getting sick, and then being okay the next day (except the first time, two years ago, I was sick on the third day of school from strep that technically stayed with me for two weeks, but I was totally functioning the next day).

But you know, that would suck to be sick. Let's just not.

If I was a bird, and you was a fish

Last night I made a playlist that contains only songs about or mentioning birds:

1. They Might Be Giants: "Birdhouse in Your Soul"
2. Madness: "Wings of a Dove"
3. Beatles: "Blackbird"
4. Agent Ribbons: "Birds and Bees"
5. Roger Miller: "Reincarnation" ("If I was a bird, and you was a fish, what would we do? I guess we'd wish for reincarnation...")
6. Cake: "Comfort Eagle"
7. The Byrds: "Eight Miles High" (Really just because the band's name is The Byrds.)
8. Yoko Kanno: "Green Bird"
9. The Beatles: "Norwegian Wood (This Bird Has Flown)"
10. Eisley: "Tree Tops" ("I will grow wings and fly everywhere")
11. Kimya Dawson: "Angels and Seagulls"
12. Eels: "I Like Birds"
13. The Nightcrawlers: "The Little Black Egg"
14. Of Montreal: "Peacock Parasols"
15. The Flaming Lips: "It's Summertime" (for the bird sounds in the beginning...)
16. Roger Miller: "What Are Those Things (With Big Black Wings?)"
17. They Might Be Giants: "Bee of the Bird of the Moth"
18. Iron and Wine: "Bird Stealing Bread"
19. TV on the Radio: "Stork & Owl"
20. The Beatles: "Across the Universe" ("Birds are flying out like endless rain into a paper cup"...I know it's actually words flying out, but birds makes more sense to me, that's how I thought it was for a long time.)
21. The Shins: "Girl on the Wing"
22. Of Montreal: "City Bird"
23. Gregory and the Hawk: "Boats and Birds"
24. Grateful Dead: "Little Red Rooster"
25. Bright Eyes: "True Blue"
26. Cake: "Mr. Mastadon Farm" ("Birds fall from the window ledge above mine, and they flap their wings at the last second...")

Aren't you glad you read all that?

I still have no idea where I stand with this guy. I even asked him and he didn't give me a direct answer. He said he wasn't looking for a relationship, that doesn't answer the question of where I stand with him. He came to Pint Night and stood right next to me the entire time. At the party last night, I saw him come in and the first thing he did was stare at me as he walked across the room. I don't know! Why doesn't he go up to me?

There is obviously something there. Every time I'm in the same room with him I can feel his eyes following me, the faces I make and the things I say (which are considerably less because I'm super conscious of it). It's really really hard in a group. Everyone can tell. I had fun as the sober driver, but I kind of wish I'd been wasted. There is no halfway point here. There is no "three beers and I'm happy." Because really, that makes me all the more aware. I can't hide behind alcohol.

Hmm

Well, I took a risk for once and it blew up in my face--not in a cool way like Mount Vesuvius, but in a slow-flowing lava way, painful truths and chunks of thought gushing out of me and to me. It sucks. I'm so jealous of my classmates who are together. I'm jealous of my roommates who are together, and my younger sisters who have both been with someone, and both my parents who are with other people. I actually found a person whom I thought related really well to me, and reached out to him, went out of my way to see him which I almost NEVER do even with my closest friends...he doesn't want something I don't even know enough about to know if I want or don't want it.

I just want to fucking know what it's like for once! Labels are cheap. I don't want a "relationship." I want a nice friend who cares for me and thinks about me, won't judge me or say "You're SO [insert quirky adjective]" (which I can't stand) whom I can feel physically close to. I want an unconditional friend who can make me laugh and give me something to think about. I want to mean a lot to someone who means a lot to me.

Ugh, this sucks. Welcome to being 22, entering a fifth year of college. I guess I'll just be a really good musician instead.

If at first you don't succeed, invite yourself to dinner

I wanted to tell him to stop torturing me. If he likes me, that's great! But if he doesn't, he should tell me so I can stop bugging him. But instead, I told him he should make me dinner.

Why would I do that? Besides the fact that I've already made him dinner two or three times?

Anyway, he invited me to his place on Thursday to make falafel.

I didn't really like the glasses I got in February...I thought their shape was kind of funny. Today might be one of the first times I actually wore them all day and went out in public. Dare I say it? I looked pretty cute.